S.A.D times turning into Sringtime

Judging by the amount of ‘road-kill’ that was littering the route to town this morning, I can safely say that spring is at last on it’s way. And I for one am truly thankful. You see after a lot of thought and a lot of research, I think I am a sufferer of S.A.D, (seasonal affective disorder). Although undiagnosed a ‘wintertime’ pattern has emerged over the last few years, and it’s not a very pretty one.

For the last couple of months I have been struggling with bouts of mild depression. Not all the time you understand, I have had some amazing days with some wonderful people. But sometimes just the thought of waking up to another day has left me crying myself to sleep. I have found it extremely difficult to be motivated or enthusiastic about many things, and to those around me I must have been quite unbearable at times, and for that I am sorry. I have tried to keep a brave face on at times, mostly for the sake of my Moo, but it’s been so hard to keep the cracks from appearing. Suddenly the trivial little bumps we all have seem almost insurmountable, and a feeling of hopelessness sets in that is hard to shake. It’s at times like these you need your friends, but the real kick in the teeth is that you just don’t want them. All you want is to be alone, but at times the loneliness is almost unbearable.

Last week Moo and I went for a walk round the village. I wasn’t having the best of days, I hadn’t slept well, and Moo was having a real blinder of a 5 year old day, although it was cold and getting very grey, the need to get out of the house was almost overwhelming. We wrapped ourselves up in coats and hats and scarves and ventured forth to the outside world. I wandered around following in Moo’s wake as she tore round the church on her scooter delighting in the sudden and heavy snowfall that had begun moments earlier. I was feeling lost and very alone.

I turned to head back to the house and was stopped in my tracks by the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen. A snowbow. Arching into the sky above me the pale shimmering colours of the rainbow etched against the dark clouds and falling snow. The words of a Sunday school poem flooded back from the distant banks of my memory and filled me with such a lightness of spirit and a sense of hope that has been absent for a while .’The rainbow is a sign of God’s promise, That He will guide us through any storm, That He will see us through all our troubles, No matter what their form‘. As I stood I shed a tear or two as I watched it slowly fade then vanish. It can only have been there for a minute at most, but the light it cast has lasted far longer. And as I looked out of my window this morning, instead of the grey clouds in the sky, I saw the tiny green buds covering the lilac tree. Winter may not yet be quite over, but spring is defiantly on the way.

A bientôt.

For information and help with S A D this is a good starting point.

SADA UK

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Author: hillywillyworld

Living as an 'ex-pat' in Thailand with my daughter Moo and sometimes my Hubby too (when he is not bringing home the bacon from Macau). Sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's tough. Sometimes it's confusing. Most of the time it's just...random. Join me as I struggle and giggle my way through this thing called life.

1 thought on “S.A.D times turning into Sringtime”

  1. Hey Hills,

    I didn’t know you were going through such tough times. I am sorry to hear that. I had similar ‘moods’ like that and used to think the rest of the world was fine. It’s terrible when you feel like that and there is this sadness, this heavy ‘stuff’, that just feels so strong, that the loneliness you feel is too much to get over it seems.
    It may be a slight relief, but many feel what you feel, so never think you’re alone.
    What I have learned though, and this is better, because its about a solution, a recovery, is that depression (and I believe any type of depression) is anger turned inwards. I’ll say that again, depression is anger turned inwards.
    When I heard this the first time it made total sense to me looking back on my life and how I had been feeling throughout most of it.
    See what you can find, sit down quietly, take time for yourself (no disturbances) and listen to what this feeling(s) has to tell you. It seems a scary idea to do this, but believe me, when you invite the feeling to come up and allow it to express itself (first you may feel anger, tears, fear etc.) allow these to come up, just know that it is not who YOU ARE. These are merely feelings waiting to speak; ask it questions, be gentle like you would speak to a little child (you’ll most likely find it is the small child of you- your younger you), as much as you can, deal with this as if this is not in you, but rather see it as a seperate part of you; like a teacher talking to a pupil or better yet, as you know this, a mother to a child. Let it speak and allow each layer to come of (there may be a bit of resistance, that’s perfectly natural); keep going and underneath the layers the real reason will be revealed to you.
    Deepak Chopra once wrote ‘when you open the door, the knocking stops’. So here too, and it is never the scary beast you imagine it to be; most likely a hurt little child waiting to be embraced.
    Hope that helps hun and anymore I can help you with, give me a shout.

    XX Nicole

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