Judging by the amount of ‘road-kill’ that was littering the route to town this morning, I can safely say that spring is at last on it’s way. And I for one am truly thankful. You see after a lot of thought and a lot of research, I think I am a sufferer of S.A.D, (seasonal affective disorder). Although undiagnosed a ‘wintertime’ pattern has emerged over the last few years, and it’s not a very pretty one.
For the last couple of months I have been struggling with bouts of mild depression. Not all the time you understand, I have had some amazing days with some wonderful people. But sometimes just the thought of waking up to another day has left me crying myself to sleep. I have found it extremely difficult to be motivated or enthusiastic about many things, and to those around me I must have been quite unbearable at times, and for that I am sorry. I have tried to keep a brave face on at times, mostly for the sake of my Moo, but it’s been so hard to keep the cracks from appearing. Suddenly the trivial little bumps we all have seem almost insurmountable, and a feeling of hopelessness sets in that is hard to shake. It’s at times like these you need your friends, but the real kick in the teeth is that you just don’t want them. All you want is to be alone, but at times the loneliness is almost unbearable.
Last week Moo and I went for a walk round the village. I wasn’t having the best of days, I hadn’t slept well, and Moo was having a real blinder of a 5 year old day, although it was cold and getting very grey, the need to get out of the house was almost overwhelming. We wrapped ourselves up in coats and hats and scarves and ventured forth to the outside world. I wandered around following in Moo’s wake as she tore round the church on her scooter delighting in the sudden and heavy snowfall that had begun moments earlier. I was feeling lost and very alone.
I turned to head back to the house and was stopped in my tracks by the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen. A snowbow. Arching into the sky above me the pale shimmering colours of the rainbow etched against the dark clouds and falling snow. The words of a Sunday school poem flooded back from the distant banks of my memory and filled me with such a lightness of spirit and a sense of hope that has been absent for a while .’The rainbow is a sign of God’s promise, That He will guide us through any storm, That He will see us through all our troubles, No matter what their form‘. As I stood I shed a tear or two as I watched it slowly fade then vanish. It can only have been there for a minute at most, but the light it cast has lasted far longer. And as I looked out of my window this morning, instead of the grey clouds in the sky, I saw the tiny green buds covering the lilac tree. Winter may not yet be quite over, but spring is defiantly on the way.
For information and help with S A D this is a good starting point.